yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I didn't notice because vodka
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
