she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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