Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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