i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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