I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
