I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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