She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
