my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
