who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
