you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I need water and some morals
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
