and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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