it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
