3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize