It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
