Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
