i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
