the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
