Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
it glows. i had to have it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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