My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
