I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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