Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Randomize
