Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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