we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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