we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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