Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The beer is more important than you right now.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
