Ambien. No doubt about it.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
