I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize