did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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