How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
