Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
