I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
this just has baby written all over it
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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