did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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