Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
