She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize