just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You ruined the universe
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
