you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
