I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
