I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
