The maid of honor just puked.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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