Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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