Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
