This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
