so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
