On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
