Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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