I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
