Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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