do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize