I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
