I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My ass is underappreciated
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
