She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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