every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
