She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
