Moan for me like Helen Keller
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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