im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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