hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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