guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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