im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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