Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
