$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
