Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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