I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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