my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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